The Springs of New Beginnings – Where it all begins #mondayblogs
Happy thoughts are tricky at times. Depending on where your head is, sometimes you just cannot see your way to happy. Sometimes your brain just won’t let you be. Then you remember you have something that you can be happy about, maybe it is just those new pair of oven mitts, or the new person you just met, or even your grandmothers locket around your neck, and you find a smile. From there, it is like a spring finding its way to the surface. Your happiness begins bubbling, and if you keep encouraging it, it begins to push its way past whatever you have had blocking it, and pouring into your world at the moment. It really is what you make of it.
My world has been a toss-up this last year. Up and down, from depression, to angry, to passion, to love. I have had loss, and gain, and i have had to learn to bring forth these springs and nurture them, digging troughs for them to flow around me so I don’t let the darkness over take me again. I don’t know where to start in the telling of my tale of this year, but it really doesn’t matter for what I speak of today, what matters is I am still here.
I know I disappeared from many of your lives, but you were thought of often. I shrunk my world down to an even smaller collective of souls, and in doing so concentrated the good and the bad. Many would look at me sideways when I state it was the best thing I could do. It allowed me to finally face the demons I had lurking from the rape and my past abuse, it allowed me to deal with the truth about how I was living, though a comfortable “thing you know” place, it had become stagnant situation. It allowed both my partner and I to realize that what we had known and thought to be till death and beyond do us part, wasn’t going to happen. We had our own paths to travel, and there was a fork in the road. I wish I could be with them on this one, but we both also know we have become one of those blockages which won’t let the stream be more than a bubble in a small mud puddle, fun to splash in, but covering you with dirt.
I had allowed myself to close down and lock the door in front of my spirituality and belief system. Which as my oldest friends will attest, this was stopping at being myself in more than a handful of ways. I had been constantly second guessing myself, I always was waiting for the other shoe to drop, or ignoring it was falling. I never felt i deserved my triumphs, because I was constantly told about my defeats. I used to pride myself at being what I have coined “the half-glass full girl”. In a moment of crisis, I can still be that girl, but for my world view and my overall life I no longer was doing it, even if I was living in denial of the lack of this approach.
When my eyes were finally opened for me I realized those glasses were knocked over, or covered in grime with stagnant water in them. My bubble was collapsing and I needed to find a way out soon or I would never do so. So I left everyone, I abandoned the whole of my business, rarely talked to my best friend or my family, still never left the walls of this cabin but I begun to change how I lived. I created and immersed myself in what I thought was a fantasy world to help get me to a place of positivity, but which ended up becoming a giant fire hose which swept the debris away. Problem is, now I needed those glasses I just cleared the region of the broken and empty ones along with a lot of other emotional baggage, and that actually has been slow coming.
In retrospect, sometimes slow is better. But in this new community, there is a term which is called the “[redacted for my own needs] Time Warp”. It is not a dance, well perhaps in a way it is, but not with sweet transvestites from transsexual Transylvania, but one that sometimes spins out of control or builds up from nothing over night to something magical and amazing with in the space of hours. Within this micro-orgasm of people, I’m rebuilding myself. I have not read but 12 books this year, and that is amazing itself, because you all know how I read. I have written, however, 12 short stories, one novella, and the beginnings of a non-fiction collection of essays about a subject near and dear to me. I have broke through the dam which was built against my religion and spirituality, I no longer cow or are afraid of men, the Lifestyle which I thought was gone forever opened up into a new path as well as awakened again in me and I have allowed myself to submit again. Part of that has brought forth memories from my past which has been a small back slide, but in the end it will only allow my foundation to be stronger. But most importantly, it has allowed me to explore the path of living again.
Over all, especially in the last three months, the decisions I am making have been for my betterment. They have not been self-destructive as I am want to be. They have not been made for a crutch or to languish within a comfort-zone. I still have a very long way to go, but overall, I am happy with where my adventure is starting. I will miss my comfort, but i won’t miss the stagnant water or the clutter or the cobwebs I have allowed to coat the walls of my existence. I will be nudging open the new springs which are bubbling around me, and make sure my glasses are all lined up, half-full. It is time to be ready for what the world will be throwing at me and embrace it for all it is worth.