#StartingOver when you have a #MentalIllness – New Beginnings
Mentally Ill and Starting Over
This is me most days as of late, heck most of my life. But we have to be adults, even those of us who are Littles (more on that much later). As all of you have noticed, I have not been around this year. My life kind of hit a OMG moment and I needed to step back. What has been happening would be more than a normal person could handle, but for me being mentally ill, it has been almost to much. It actually has been a wonderful year, truly. But so many of the areas of my life completely changed. Some for the better and some for the worse. One of the bad things is my relationship with my partner for 11 years has ended. We tried and almost made it but the damage of the last 11 years, a lot of it on my shoulders, has caused us to be resentful towards each other. That and throw in a shock in news last fall (the reason other than health I backed away from social media and blogging) has been something I struggled with alone until the last few months.
Now that I have said that I suppose I am suppose to give a reason and what it was. I am sorry to add at the moment I cannot. It is not my story to tell. Believe me, I will soon enough. But for the time being, I am reading more again, I need to lose myself still, and I have been on a very small virtual world attempting to heal and finding new friends who understand what is going on with me. Sure a bit of fantasy is good for one’s life which is full of the negative stuff. But let’s get back to the subject matter of this post… mental health.
I struggle with realizing things about myself all the time. I can honestly say there are days I am not sure I am really with it, and it scares the shit out of me. I am mentally ill, there really is no way to hide that. Though I will state, sane is boring *wink*. Being mentally ill, I don’t handle disruption in my schedule well at all. I have been kept … trapped in this cabin, which I love, for years. I rarely go out, and the store once a month or so doesn’t count, I never go do anything fun or entertaining, and it is not all my partner’s fault, it was at time a way to keep me safe from harming myself through self destructive behavior directly related to my rape and my self medicating myself with lots of booze every couple weeks. It turned into my prison. Books were my escape, were my outlet. Working in this industry saved another part of my life. YOU ALL are a part of who I am today, thank you.
You will be getting posts like this sprinkled here and there, and more reviews and recipes. Hopefully even some Fourth-Wall Fridays. But you will be hearing about my journey and why I am starting over. , which by the end of this year will be starting in Washington Stage and with my son and his partner till I can figure out how to support myself. I was raised to be a wife, a mother and a partner, and NOT fully support myself. I am scared to death. So, this site may go through some changes. I am and always will be the Cabin Goddess. It is ingrained in me, and I again thank all of you for your support and readership.
One final note: It is OK to take care of yourself. Never allow anyone to tell you it is selfish. It is called taking care of you if this means you do things for your own happiness, and you cannot focus on taking care of others, so be it. Just know it will all be OK, that glass that seems so empty will once again be full.