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New Beginnings – You gotta do what you gotta do #PTSD #Survivor

I am smiling from ear to ear, I mean seriously! I cannot believe what I did. I took a walk… by myself.

So the fuck what?” you say? Well yep, so the fuck what in your world perhaps! In my world, to be able to step outside in the middle of summer, by myself, without Geoff or a friend or being able to go straight to the car is a huge freaking deal. I have not been able to walk unless it is winter, and even then it is difficult mentally but not as hard as summer. I have not done this in years.

slough-in-AlaskaSummer of 2006* I was brutally beaten, raped and thrown in a slough and left for dead. I ended up with serious brain swelling, to the point they had a surgeon prepped to do surgery to drill a hole and shove a shunt in. The bruising on my face was so significant it took 6 weeks for it to clear. Emotionally, I still have bruising.

Geoff called the rape crisis hotline for himself, he was changed forever, so don’t forget your partners are victims also. But see, I don’t deal with tragedy like most people ,as you can see.  I cannot deal with day to day bullshit but when I get a huge crisis thrown at me, I deal with it like a superstar. I get lists together, work on all the stuff around me.. and I ignore the stuff inside. I never dealt with the rape because when I got into the office of my councilor she decided we needed to deal with the fact I was bipolar and no one dealt with my rape.

I also was in the throes of recovering from the emotional abuse my ex-husband had slammed me with for over 10 years and trying to finish a degree while having been diagnosed case of severe PTSD (from the ex) and this new diagnosis of being bipolar .. who knew! Apparently I’m made of some hearty stock, huh?

Don’t get me wrong, I failed left and right. I was a binge drinker when I could not cope, I fucked my life up beyond belief, and my ex won over and over, as far as I’m concerned, in my mind. Geoff almost left on several occasions and yet we stuck it out, and so far we survived. When I talk about that man being my best fucking friend and my hero, I am not mincing words.

In the fall of 2006 I put my big girl panties on and I went to see a councilor and for a year I saw her weekly. Soon I was facing a referral to a psychiatrist. It took 6 months to get into the only psychiatrist in town who was taking new patients.  She agreed I was bipolar and had me drugged to the hilt in no time. For those who are clapping, thanks but it was not over. The medication actually messed me up more.

It turns out she was giving the same cocktail of pills to everyone and in turn it made my life worse, I was drinking more often because the medication actually causes cravings for alcohol in some patients. I never felt like me. Geoff would continue to say, “I want my Kriss back, PLEASE come back to me, I miss my Kriss!!”

In 2011, the summer we got internet at the cabin finally, I came back from vacation and went to make an appointment to have my three month check up and get the new prescriptions for my medication from the doctor and she never returned my calls. Twenty-two messages on both her office and private lines. She abandoned me completely and I am very lucky I did not have a psychotic break because she had me on the highest dose of Xanax, Serequel and three other meds which NEVER should have been taken together it turns out. Xanax (up to 6 mg a day) and Serequel (two types) taken in the doses I was taking can cause seizure disorders.. cough cough and permanent damage, (HELLO… sound familiar, friends?)

I can truthfully say this blog, my friends on Twitter and Facebook and the ability to have a social community online saved my life. And for those who are saying “How sad and pitiful” well.. ummm

Fuck-right-the-Fuck-Off!

These last few weeks have been hell. As I many of you have read in my post on Thursday and for those who are friends of mine on Facebook and twitter, we lost our beloved Asrielle. That was just at the end of my personal shit-storm. I cannot believe I am still standing let alone sitting here with a face that hurts from smiling so much, perhaps it is my way of dealing but I think I am OK with this type of dealing. I am not only dealing, I am surviving and I am thrilled to be sitting here smelling like victory this afternoon! I had a bunch of horrific PTSD episodes which rendered me helpless which happened on top of being in the middle of the worst manic episode since I was diagnosed with bipolarism. And this on top of our daily dose of reality from Geoff’s horrific work environment. To say it has been a challenging few weeks is an understatement.

As with 2011, my online community and my parents helping with the co-pay at the doctor’s office, making myself take a chance on medication again (I have not been on meds since I was abandoned by the doctor) and with Geoff I am not only making it, but I am doing it better than I ever expected. The walk is not just for mental well being, but my physical health too. I have been struggling with my body image as I’m very overweight again, a lot is due to medication from before which because I could not go outside and do what I used to do for exercise and my horrific thyroid which never wants to stay stable, but a lot is just because I could not dig myself out the hole I allowed myself to dig and now I am just unhealthy as all hell.

Today? I woke up and had a craving, not for bacon, but for a walk… 

And I walked.. and also, I am doing oil-pulling which has already made me feel like a rock star so I decided to oil-pull as I walked, but the oil pulling is a subject for another Saturday afternoon post! Right now? I smell like victory and I don’t care who can smell me! I feel amazing, my face hurts from smiling so much. I just wish I could have walked in and had Asrielle yell at me. I know I have to face that grief and deal with it also, but for now… New beginnings…

What ever happens from today forward? Well, I have a home, a man who loves me, an amazing collection of friends around the world and I survived without having an anxiety attack, little victories for some, for myself?

Victory is Mine! The magnitude of this… the significance of this feels so good. For those who cannot see out of the darkness just yet? Keep on keeping and take advantage of those small cravings of doing something good for you, don’t let that chance slip by. I almost did today but I went and got my gym shoes, which never have touched dirt and just walked singing out loud and pushing myself just enough to feel the burn!

Today I went for a walk, and I survived! 

What did you do for yourself today?

*In a previous post I shared it was 2007, but when reviewing my medical records this past week the doctor noted it was 2006 when I had the hospitalization for the beating.

13 Comments

  1. I am so proud of you and so happy for you and I just got up but was lazing in bed and enjoying these pics on instagram and smiling at you and now this post and I am beaming just beaming i love you bunneh

  2. You rock, Kriss! You are an iron lady and I admire you! Big victory hugs

  3. This made me so, so happy! I’m glad you’re in one piece. Gigantic hugs from Canada!

  4. This made me cry. I’m so happy for your victory. You are an amazing person and I think you’re awesome. And it’s a lovely message of hope for those who need it. Keep walking, Chickie!

  5. Just read your blog post via twitter. I was drawn to your story and had a similar experience and also suffer PTSD. I commend you for being brave ! I discovered that years ago ,it was up to me to heal thyself and I left a medical career because I lost the faith & the doctors just dumping patients made me irrate….still does! Im so glad I found you and hope to keep following your journey 🙂

    • Thank you Kimberly. Today on top my craptastic week was a GIFT and I am SO not going to waste it!

  6. I love you Dionne, thank you so much!

  7. THANK YOU EVERYONE!!!!!

  8. Yay! Woohoo! 😀 Good for you~I’m so happy you had the strength to do this today and to take something back for yourself. 🙂

  9. Oh Kriss, I had no idea about all this *hugs* What an amazing person you are – and also to Geoff for being so completely supportive of everything you have been through. Each little step is actually the greatest of triumphs – so well done!! 😀

    • And you guys think I share EVERYTHING buwahahah.. thanks Rachel. Hey, ya gotta do what ya gootta do!

  10. Sometimes it’s the little things that mean so much. Kudos to you for being such an awesome survivor. And huge high five to Geoff for hanging in there with you. You’re the bravest woman I know and that’s simply for living in a dry cabin!

  11. Great post! It’s a great survival story. Keep going for those beautiful Alaskan walks!

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  1. The Invisible Scars of #PTSD - The 1st #NoMoreShame November! - […] a bit of my story can read my first reveal for RAPE CULTURE  and the other from this summer about…

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