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Charlie the Great & Queen Asrielle take over the Cabin (A Cat Reviews Man vs Cat)

At this point I think it is safe to say Man is not even close to winning … the cats have taken over, I am throwing in my towel (but I have it tethered to my wrist so no worries I know where it is Natasha), and with Charlie explaining not only his role, but Asrielle reviewed David M. Brown’s latest, a journal of such a disturbing nature despite the fact I laughed so hard I think I may need to get checked for a hernia… *shaking head* brilliant, bloody brilliant. So no liquidsyou have been warned.

 Charlie the Great & Queen Asrielle of the North 

Bringing you his manifesto (well one of them), and her  spin review of Man vs Cat

(Asrielle just texted me: “Please remind your readers if you choose to share this on Twitter please use the hashtag #petsontour“) 

Raining Cats and Dogs Blog Tour: 14 January to 14 February

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Welcome to my bunker. Please take a seat on one of the cushions but not the red ones. I like those ones the best. My name is Charlie but you can call me Charlie the Great. I prefer titles. I am above simple names now. Do you think Genghis Khan was happy when he was just Temujin? Of course not. The guy wanted a title and he got one. I actually had in mind Charlemagne but I am not a plagiarist, a megalomaniac certainly, but not a plagiarist. I think of myself more as a Napoleon Boniparts kind of guy. He was a small chap but he didn’t worry about it when he was crushing rival armies in Europe. Okay, there was that minor setback at Waterloo with the portable toilets and someone’s wellingtons, but that aside his career was pretty flawless.

I am the head of the feline army that is very slowly taking over the world. Slowly might be a bit of an understatement. My war effort hasn’t extended beyond my own front door to be honest but I don’t believe in worrying too much about setbacks. Two guys on a hill started Rome. I think a wolf might have been involved too. They could have settled for that hill but they wanted more, just like I do.

War is a ghastly business. I should know. While my felines are out there, pummelling the enemy with empty tins and cat pouches and spraying them with used cat litter, I am here in this bunker studying these maps that Buggles has painstakingly put together with crayons. I love the symbol for my owner Beard Face with an arrow pointing to him and the word “moron” in close proximity. I bet you don’t know this, but the first rule of defeating the enemy is to draw demoralising pictures of them on your maps. They won’t see them, of course, but believe me they’ll stay awake night after night wondering what drawings and insults are on your maps.

The Resistance, which is a one man army led by Beard Face, continues to frustrate my war efforts. It does get a tad annoying when you have just moved your tanks into position and your stomach starts to rumble. Beard Face still feeds me, the idiot, so we have to arrange a temporary peace treaty so I can eat before resuming hostilities before he’s even had time to wash the pots. It’s a very effective system and watching that silly oaf be broken physically and mentally, day by day, is the equivalent of hearing that the Twilight is ending with the stars of the Avengers gate-crashing proceedings. Sorry Buggles, I just hate that series.

It’s not all litter tray warfare, sofa sieges and kitchen counter espionage in the war though. Propaganda is very much on the agenda and sadly Beard Face has broken the rules here. Personally, I went so far as to have his face plastered on billboards, the sides of buses (once they stopped moving!) and all across the Internet, which I thought was fair. I’ll admit words such as “cretin,” “prat,” “dunce,” “idiot,” “moron,” “inept” and “naughty man” (thanks Buggles!) were used, but that cannot excuse what Beard face has done.

The foolhardy, well, fool has only gone and written a book, not just about me but about the other cats in the house as well. He professes within this “book” that all six cats in this house are trying to kill him or ruin his life. This is nonsense, complete and utter nonsense. Only five of the cats are trying to do that so I have no idea where he is getting these ridiculous ideas from.

There is so much deceit and gibberish in Man Vs Cat. That title alone is pathetic. A Man taking on a Cat? Really? It’s no contest. We have nine lives for a start. Amidst the exaggerations of Beard Face’s propaganda handbook are observations of our behaviour, minutes from our so called “meetings” which I’m denying happened, but worst of all he claims to have a speech attributed to me. Not only that but he claims it has more mistakes in it than Plan 9 From Outer Space.

I am pleading with you to ignore this ludicrous attempt at a book. Grab yourself something more meaningful. I recommend books such as The Art of War and Caesar’s Memoirs. You can’t go wrong with those. Be mindful that transgression is not tolerated within my ranks. If I find out anyone has read this disgusting book then you will go on my list. If you read it in full you will go on my other list. If you’ve read it in full and enjoyed it you will go on my other, other list and believe me that’s not a nice place to be. You have been warned.

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Review by Asrielle, Queen of the North

asrielle-reviews2The female hoo-man is currently snoring on my couch, the last week I have slowly been working at changing her sleeping habits by causing her to nap constantly when she lays down to read on my couch. So if I talk her into letting me snuggle, she cannot resist, the purpose? I knew she thought she was being clever when she said I would review this book. Oh so adorable of her. 

Considering I had been awoken several times during her reading of this tale, she actually thought it clever? And so funny she laughed me off her lap many  time. It was getting old fast, hence my plan to drive her to be sleeping more on my couch instead of reading. She actually felt reading it out loud to me would be amusing. The telling of your little cabala’s secrets cute? Really David? You felt this was OK to not only make note of the brain-washing techniques of Mrs. B but also thinking you could smuggle it out of our UK base of operations and ol’ Charlie would not let us know, despite the fact he is usually to busy looking in the mirror (OK he is in charge of the UK, despite his self-absorbed nature, even for one of us Greater Creatures).  I am sure you are developing more conspiracy theories for a secondary journal, at least my hoo-man hopes so.

cuterLet’s face it, we have you all snowed with our “adorable” actions you have mockingly put into what my hoo-man says has caused her to pee herself more than once. I sure hope not, the couch is mine!! Considering her constant running outside and stomping down the stairs to  her weird litter box in the woods with her face covered in tears says it is a definitely “almost” status.  At least our brethren here in the US can relax a bit and allow ourselves to over indulge the “weed” without worry we will have to start all over again. I am happy to report our British agents have been able to keep the serious nature of our ongoing coup plans to being thought of as “cute”, yes David, you only think you have figured it out.

But I need you all to listen, we will not be thwarted by the “cuteness” of this misnomer, we will not be stumbled as you discuss some of what you think are acts of intent, well wait they are but not in ways you think. The simple fact is as I sit here licking my paws of tuna juice (she is so easy.. purr for 10 minutes tuck head side ways and look perfect and bam… tuna.) But our biggest and most dangerous possible secret? We all are rulers of the world and are going to have a hard time deciding just who and how to hand over the gold tuna dish the right cat because…Man vs Cat? The score? From where I sit, Hoo-mans you are not even close but I will give you five paws of glory but no more David.. no more…

Raining-Cats1Reviews by Asrielle… never again.. but apparently all my fans think I needed a FACEBOOK page.. maybe the other Raining Cats and Dogs TOUR MEMBERS can talk me into reading and reviewing, but it will take a lot more tuna… 


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Man vs Cat

Man vs Cat by David M. Brown

History has known many famous cats – Garfield, Mr Bigglesworth, Simon’s Cat, the Aristocats, the Cheshire cat and the Keyboard Cat on YouTube.

In recent years these feline things have replaced man’s best friend as the most popular pet in the U.S. while the Ancient Egyptians once worshiped them as gods. This was a mistake and I’m here to tell you why.

Man vs Cat is the story of one man, one woman and the six cats that changed their lives forever. To the woman they brought love and affection, to the man they brought sleepless nights, fear, paranoia and even ruined his jigsaw. Need I say more?

+GOODREADSUS KINDLEUK KINDLE

 

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David Brown

He could be considered a fantasy fanatic, especially since he has spent the last 10 years developing a 47,000-year history for his fictional world of Elenchera. When converting his obsession into literary form, David commits himself to a rigorous writing and editing process before his work can meet his approval. Combined with the critical eye of his wife and a BA Hons in History and English, David’s dedication leads him to his goal of inspiring readers through heartfelt stories and characters.

David M. Brown

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6 Comments

  1. Kriss, I most humbly apologise for the epic rant you had to tolerate from Charlie. I have no excuses for him. He is deluded, deranged and dangerous – the 3 D’s – and it’s not nice for me and even worse when he goes seeking out other humans to spread his malicious lies and propaganda.

    As for Asrielle, do I nervously say thank you for the lecture, I mean, review or do I hide behind the sofa and contemplate a second feline revolution erupting over in Alaska? This is just too much, Kriss, and I must insist that you stifle the feline insurgence over there quickly before it’s too late. Charlie and Asrielle as the rulers of the world? I don’t think anyone’s heart could take it!

    Before I go and hide in my own bunker, I will say many thanks for the great feature, Kriss and Asrielle. I hope you and your readers are not too terrified by the prospect of two very annoyed cats!

  2. Kriss, David, Charlie, & Asrielle?! I’m not sure it could get much more epic than that. Absolutely fabulous post! Yes, Asrielle you should do more reviews but that means we need David and the cats to write more books 🙂 and as for Charlie, well I am a bit afraid of all his plotting…

    • Thanks Angela. I agree there was a lot of epicness on show here today.

      I’m hoping Asrielle will consider future cat books Donna and I have in mind though I’m also hoping she’s a little nicer to me next time round.

      Do be afraid of Charlie. The more of us that come to fear him, the more support we will have in stopping him and Asrielle from combining their respective Feline Revolutions.

  3. Awesome review, Asrielle and your hooman made it look amazing, as always!

  4. All hail Asrielle! My boys… well, they rule THIS house, but they think you’re awesome.

    BTW, thank Goddess for Ferengi and their original use of “hoo-man” or we might not have thought of it and the cats would still have exclusive rights. *whew*

  5. Excellent review kitty. I can see why your humans submit to your will. I hope you were rewarded with many bacon treats.

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