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It Puts the Butter on the Skin … have a Meaty Christmas (Duct Tape Turkey recipe)

…or else it gets the baster again

Meat Suit Teddy

 (oiginally found at Chicken Skin Teddy by Victor Ivanov)

I will make this, I will have a MEAT SUIT TEDDY DAMN IT!

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Chicken Skin Teddy | Victor Ivanov.christmas-garland

Duct Tape Turkey with a Bacon Meat Suit

bacon-turkey

Kelly’s Creation

OH hell I guess I should post a recipe so I am not accused of being all bah humbugish! This was the turkey someone who had no idea how to cook a turkey made for her family when she was called into work on Thanksgiving and wanted her turkey done. She had asked the question if she just turned the oven up  really high would it cook quicker. I went OH GOD NO NO NO NO this was at 2AM and she had to be at work in 4 hours. As you can see she totally succeeded. Yep… 1-800-butterball has NOTHING on me! I wish I could find the original conversation, heck I wish I had thought to save it. I talked her through it and she was able to sleep. Apparently she did not post a note, but the boys more than likely did not move their carcasses off the couch while she was gone!

So full of myself right now! Butterball 800# has nothing on me. MUWHAHAHA Kelly Ston  Gamble |my narcasstic zen cooking ass is SO doing a full of myself dance ROFLMAO

 Kelly Stone Gamble Butterball 800# could not have been as entertaining at 2am. Thanks!
November 22, 2012 at 1:03pm

 Kriss Morton true LOL Duct tape and BEER ROFLMAO
November 22, 2012 at 1:03pm

Kriss Morton Cabin Goddess Cooks with frivolity and jazz hands……. and duct tape
Jodine Quong duct tape??? is that supposed to be a weird appetizer thing?

Jodine, honey bunny… it kind of is! Appetizers save the chef from rushing things right? Well this duct tape will too!

bacon-turkey

(This is for a small 12 – 14 lb .young turkey!)
NO BASTER NEEDED

Ingredients
  • 1/2 stick salted butter, softened
  • One 12-14 lb. turkey, completely thawed and all giblets removed (3 hours a pound in the fridge to thaw, so this is about a day in a half or buy it fresh).
  • 1 tablespoons salt
  • 2 teaspoons pepper
  • 2 stalks celery, cut in lengths to fit turkey cavity (1-2 inch lengths)
  • 1 medium sweet onion, such as Vidalia, quartered
  • 1 large carrot, cut in lengths to fit the turkey cavity (1-2 inch lengths)
  • 1 lb. of uncured bacon thick cut
  • 1 cup of brown sugar
  • 2 cups boiling water
  • 1 roll of duct tape
  • 1 piece of paper
  • Sharpie
Directions
  1. Adjust the oven racks so the covered roasting pan fit easily inside. Preheat the oven to 500 degrees F.
  2. Weave your bacon together as shown in the video, if you don’t already know how to do it.
  3. Rub the butter on the outside and inside the turkey. Blend the salt, pepper and paprika together. The bacon is already salty, so sprinkle the pepper on the outside (you can also add a bit of paprika) but sprinkle both salt and pepper
  4. Put the celery, onion and carrot in the cavity. Place the turkey, breast-side up, in a large roasting pan.
  5. Pour the boiling water into the pan. Cover with a tight-fitting lid and put the pan in the oven.
  6. Take a big slab of duct tape and seal that oven. Don’t give me that look, just do it! Then place a note on the door, here is my standard threat note to the family! Oh and YOU cannot OPEN the oven PERIOD, not after you close it! It has to stay closed and not have the seal broken, and NO BASTER NEEDED!IMG_9175
  7. Start a timer when the oven temperature returns to 500 degrees F. Bake for exactly 1 hour and turn off the oven. AGAIN do not open the oven door! Leave the turkey in the oven until the oven completely cools; this may take 4 to 6 hours. Reserve the pan juices and refrigerate the turkey if you are not serving it right away, I usually do either or but no matter what….
  8. If I am not going to serve it right away, I will place it in a preheated oven at 350 (I do not remove it from the pan or remove the lid) for 15 minutes and do a quick flash under the broiler for 5 to crisp up the bacon.

How to Weave the Bacon for your Turkey

What do you cook for your family on Christmas? My mom does a Prime Rib with a golden lion cut and very similar to the above. But I am a bit to broke-ass for prime rib! Happy Holidays!

2 Comments

  1. Dmitry and I don’t do anything special for Xmas. My mom usually made a turkey, and my 2nd ex-husband’s mom used to make beef Wellington every Xmas (when we were married we’d do Thanksgiving with my family and Xmas with his).

    And I still say the “arms” of the teddy look like…. you know what… 😉

  2. The teddy bear is creepy. 😀

    My mom usually defaulted to turkey for both Thanksgiving and Christmas, but two turkeys a month apart is a little too much for me. I started doing a pork roast for Christmas, but then a couple of years later, my younger daughter stopped eating beef and pork. So lately I’ve been making cornish hens with wild-rice-and-apricot stuffing.

    This year, I made a roast chicken with a cut lemon in the cavity, and a roast pork loin seasoned with garlic, caraway and paprika. I stuck the pork roast in an oven bag so it would cook in basically the same amount of time as the chicken. Everything came out great (om nom nom!).

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