A conversation with a disgruntled vagina named Doris from @EloiseMarch
Meet Doris, Jemma’s vagina from Dionne Lister’s latest adventure in the publishing world. This book may not contain dragons but there is something else that may need to be mentioned….
A note from Doris…
Well, hello everyone, and thank you Miss Cabin Goddess for hosting me, Doris, a slightly disgruntled vagina. And so lovely to see you again, Helen (Cabin Goddess’s vagina). I hope you’re both keeping warm in the freezing winter. I’ve brought along some fur-lined underpants for Helen; I hope you like them. Oh, and Jemma says hello, too, but she’s busy trying to finish a graphic design on a website, so we’ll have to let her get on with it.
So, Cabin Goddess, when I heard you were reading Close Call and wanted to interview me, I was very excited! I don’t get many interviews. Would you believe that some people are scared of having me on their site because they would have to post the word ‘vagina’! I’m shocked. In this day and age when I hear Jemma bemoaning the fact that pop stars can have simulated sex on television, I can’t understand why I, a well-dressed, inoffensive vagina, am shunned. I’m getting used to it, but I can’t say I’m not annoyed — everyone just wants to be loved, right?
I take my underpants off to you, Cabin Goddess and Helen, because you’ve been brave enough to feature me, and the book Close Call: A Doris & Jemma Vadgeventure. Let’s hope all the vaginas unite and get their owners to read it, because they might just learn something from us wiser, softer souls — the fairer of the genitals . It’s been lovely chatting, but I must run, as Jemma has a waxing booked for later (I think she has a date tonight). Can’t say I’m looking forward to being tortured, but that’s life when you’re a vagina. Ciao!
Review by Helen
Thanks Doris! Hey guys, Helen here, yep you’re right, Cabin Goddesses Grotto of Love, oh ya! At least I feel like one this week, wowza! The new BTS Issue came out and what does she put on the post? That hot guy looking at his Jingle Bells! I wonder what his penis‘ name is? Hey, I can look and the only touching that is happening is kept in the family, if you know what I mean. Oh then she read and reviewed Pavarti’s new erotic romance yesterday, boy what a workout we got, I bet we lost a few ounces and I know some of our elasticity is back! Thank you Pav, oh and thanks to the Huz for bringing home that Lelo, man oh man… and today? Today I get to talk about another talking vagina, the first to come out of the panty drawer, Doris, Jemma’s vagina!
She may be a bit disgruntled, but you would be too when you speak out thinking everyone would be totally down with having some insight to just what we as genitals think! But I guess some folks are still afraid of us! I don’t get it, we are the ones doing most of the work here. If it was not for us, you could not get your … groove on. I have to say Miss March really did Doris and Jemma proud and I for one am glad for this new story, this fight for our right to be safe, clean and for everyone to have the happy-ever-afters. It also proved my theory, most of us have matching personalities to a certain extent. Take Doris for instance. Jemma may have believed she was going to be a spinster at the age of thirty but Doris knew she had it in her to be her own woman, because Doris is a lot like Jemma, outgoing, but unlike Jemma she had not been exposed and exploited by popculture and marketing. Perhaps also the PTWD (Post Traumatic Wax Disorder) has something to do with it. and in the end it turned out she was right.
Now, don’t get me wrong, I am all for equal voices. All genitals should have a say, but penis‘ have always had one up on us because as Miss March has exposed, many men think with their little heads when it comes to women and vaginas don’t have a say. Sounds kind of familiar huh Kriss? Gee I have told you that for years! Thank goodness you found that Hus of yours! (Oh and thank you for finding your coffee*, it really does make me happy!)
Anyway, thanks for speaking for those who have had no voice for so long. For bringing to light the injustice done because of our lack of ability to communicate to the majority of our girls upstairs, and thanks Jemma for being the spokesperson and listening to Doris. Oh and Doris? I don’t think you will be disgruntled for much longer, Henry sounds like he is pretty fabulous!
*I have a coffee brew which I call Happy Vagina Coffee, and now it is confirmed, it really does make Helen happy!
Note from Kriss
*SMH*, this was awesome. I remember when Dionne sent me a snippet and said “You think I should scrap this or keep going?” Oh dear, Dionne, she who freaks out at the thought of toes? Keep going, expand your wings my dear, surprise us all! And boy did she. I for one am honored to have a book which uses the story device of talking genitals to tell the tale. It is a very funny one, but there are some messages too, I would expect nothing less from someone of Miss Lister’s caliber.
She has surprised me, from her Dark shorts and flash fiction, to her middle school/YA fantasy with talking dragons to chick lit comedy, Dionne Lister has proven herself as one of the rising stars of the indie scene.
Viva la Vadgeventures!
Psssssssssst Doris? Don’t worry, I have had five kids and my vagina is the same as it was before hand, that is a myth. Just keep squeezing and all will be fine! Helen has had no complaints yet! After all… five kids and … well someone has a smile on his face right now! *grin*
Close Call: A Doris & Jemma Vadgeventure
by Eloise March / Dionne Lister
on November 28th 2013
Amazon • Smashwords • Goodreads
Twenty-two year-old Jemma can’t seem to get her life in order. Her track record with men stinks, she constantly worries about getting fat and ending up a spinster at thirty. And to top it off, she has to be a bridesmaid at her most-hated cousin’s wedding. She feels like her life is over, until Doris decides to help out. Who’s Doris? Doris is Jemma’s vagina, and she thinks more of Jemma than her own brain does. Doris is on a mission to save Jemma from herself, but is the task too much for one vagina to handle?
Warning, this book contains talking genitals!
Meet Eloise March
Eloise March is a woman who laughs at her own jokes, swears way too much and breaks any new diet by lunchtime on the day she starts. She believes in women’s equality, and all equality for that matter, and hopes the things she writes touch people in a positive way, and make them think about how they can create a better society for themselves and others.
In her spare time, she enjoys living as her alter ego, Dionne Lister — a suspense and YA fantasy author who is way too embarrassed to talk about vaginas. She likes spending time as Dionne because Dionne has an awesome family, wonderful friends and a cat called Lily, oh, and she has great hair.
If you’re looking for Eloise, or any information about future books in the Doris & Jemma Vadgeventure series, you can visit Dionne’s website, where Eloise has been lucky enough to get her own page http://www.dionnelisterwriter.com. If you’re looking for a chat, you can find Ms March on Twitter
Stalk her and her Vagina around the Web