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You might be Alaskan if…

Alyeska Pipeline viewpoint, between Fox and Fairbanks along the Steese Highway

I might as well live in a different country for all the nuances that ARE purely Alaskan. Even Journalists have to take special classes, or at least have their cheat book to pronounce or spell the Native words and names correctly in most news casts and local news stories. New Englanders may have it’s subtle tests of whether you park the car in the yard, or you “pahk the cah in Yahd” but we have to be able to tell how big a river is by how many “Na’s” are at the end!

It is a different world up here, the people in Anchorage live a completely different lifestyle compared to us Fairbanksanse in the Interior. Just as the folks in Nome are living another type of extreme.  Below is a list of things that as funny as they are also part of our way of life. The majority of my commentary is in orange , the majority” if’s” can be found on another Alaskan website, but there are a few tidbits of joy that are all mine! Enjoy and remember….

You Might Be an Alaskan if…

  1. You have ever been asked if you live in an igloo.
  2. Power outages don’t seem to bother you.
  3. You laugh at people who wear coats when the temperature drops to 50°F.
  4. You refer to Lower-48ers as foreigners.
  5. You know what a Lower-48er is.
  6. Spam/pilot bread/tang are part of your regular diet. (I have heard that SOME even like their vodka with tang!)
  7. You cannot imagine life without duct tape.
  8. It takes only a 15-minute drive to “get away from it all”.
  9. The town you live in is “away from it all”.
  10. You don’t understand what’s so exciting about seeing a moose wandering through the middle of town. (scratch this one I am still excited!)
  11. A snowmachine is something you ride, not something that makes snow.
  12. Dressing up means putting on your cleanest flannel shirt. (and whitest Bunny Boots)
  13. You need 4-wheel drive all year long – for the snow and ice during the winter, and the potholes during summer.
  14. Six to eight inches of snow is “a little bit”.
  15. It drives you crazy when people pronounce the “l” in salmon or the “p” in ptarmigan. (snickering… perhaps we needed to put the pronunciation guide up first)
  16. It drives you crazy when people don’t pronounce both k’s in Knik. (snorting tang out my nose.. YEP see above)
  17. It drives you crazy when people pronounce Valdez “val-dehz” instead of “val-DEEZ”.
  18. Anything above freezing is T-shirt weather. (and flip flops.. do NOT forget my flip flops!)
  19. You’ve ever had to put on long johns, sorrels, snow pants, T-shirt, button-up flannel, light jacket, heavy coat, scarf, face mask, thick hat, and thick gloves just to walk a few blocks to the store.
  20. You think Lower-48ers are wimps for closing schools, businesses, etc., when it snows six inches. (we just close them when it gets to WARM in the winter
  21. Texas seems awfully small and crowded.
  22. You’ve had to expain that you don’t live on an island in the middle of the Pacific Ocean (some maps show Alaska as an inset by Hawai’i).
  23. You need to drive 150 miles to get to a town that is only 50 miles away.
  24. You don’t think of the Appalachian Mountains as mountains.
  25. An SUV is a necessity, not some sort of status symbol.
  26. You’ve ever told a Lower-48er that you live in an igloo, wrestle bears, wear animal skins, and eat whale blubber just to see if they believe you.
  27. …and they did.
  28. You don’t wash your car anymore, because the dirt is the only thing holding it together. (Haven’t washed it since 2005 NO POINT!)
  29. You wash your car, and five minutes later it’s as dirty as it was before. (See above)
  30. You have ever hit a pothole and totaled your car. (broken an axle)
  31. “There was a moose blocking my driveway” is an acceptable reason for being late for work or school. (or on my porch and blocking the exit)
  32. Akutaq is occasionally part of your school lunch. (don’t worry I won’t leave you hanging…)
  33. You know what akutaq is… (at least I promise to post the recipe!)
  34. …and you know how to make it. (…soon! hehehe)
  35. When you hear Lower-48ers complaining about the harshness of their winters, you know they’ve got nothing on ours. (wusses)
  36. You only recognize two seasons: fishing season and waiting for fishing season. (WAIT and hunting season.. MEESE!)
  37. Almost everything you’ll ever need can be found at a hardware store or a sporting goods store. (Home Depot is my Toy Store)
  38. You need an air conditioner when the temperature soars into the 60’s.
  39. Your three-wheeler/four-wheeler/snowmachine gets more use than your car or truck.
  40. When giving someone directions, you’ve said “…and turn right when you come to the giant snow pile…”
  41. You’ve worn an evening gown/suit to the ball along with rubber break-up boots.
  42. “The lights are out” isn’t referring to a power outage.
  43. When the lights are out, you go outside and whistle.
  44. And you understand what this means.
  45. You’ve had a check refused in the Lower-48 because they don’t accept foreign currency. (YEP this happened to me!)
  46. You miss school for a week because the river isn’t safe to cross. (Bush towns, it has happened in parts of Delta too)
  47. You have never seen the summer star constellations.
  48. You can tell how cold it is outside by the frost on the inside walls.
  49. It has been -20°F for two weeks, warms up to 0°F and you call it a warm spell.
  50. You laugh when the media makes a big deal about a magnitude 4 earthquake in California.
  51. You would pay $10 for an old head of lettuce in the winter. (maybe $6)
  52. You get annoyed with movies/TV shows that have trees around Nome or polar bears in the Panhandle. (or penguins)
  53. You cheered for Binky. (sniffle RIP Binky!)
  54. When making hotel reservations, you think nothing about asking if the room has its own private indoor plumbing.
  55. You can’t see right to drive unless you are looking through a cracked windshield.
  56. If the airplane bounces only three times, you consider it a good landing.
  57. You know the proper way to pronounce “Nunam Iqua” or “Asaacarsaq”… ( I pinky swear I will bring on the pronunciations!)
  58. …you know where they are…
  59. …and you’ve been there. (once.. yes I have once..)
  60. You drive 65 miles per hour on a winding icy road during whiteout conditions and not even flinch.
  61. You measure distance in hours, not miles.
  62. Nobody seems to notice or care if you’re at a social event wearing a camouflage hunting shirt, Carhartts, steel-toed boots, and a dirty baseball cap and you haven’t shaven all week. (Fairbanks Haute Couture)
  63. Your four food groups are fish, moose, Spam, and beer. (Do not knock Spam, there are many glorious recipes, I will POST I promise!)
  64. At least half of your friends have hit a moose with their truck at least once.
  65. Your idea of sexy lingerie is an unbuttoned flannel shirt. (woohoo)
  66. You don’t need a freezer; you just keep your frozen goods on your porch. (Where else is the 75 lbs of Halibut, 50 lbs of moose & 25 lbs of Black Bear gonna go!)
  67. You know at least seven ways to serve moose. (12 and I will post it!)
  68. You have aluminum foil over your bedroom windows. (I graduated to home made black curtains lined with canvas)
  69. You can see the road through the holes in the floor of your pickup truck. (My friends ride, yes.. ours, out the rear hatch)
  70. You leave your car running all night long because you’re sure it will be too cold to start it in the morning. (been there done that, we start it every 3-4 hours)
  71. Everyone automatically assumes you’re a Jewel fan. (roflmao WHO?)
  72. You think the Red Green show is a documentary. (wait, it isn’t? Of course it is people!!)
  73. You see nothing odd about barbecuing when the temperature is -20°. (-45° Bonfires too!)
  74. You get tired of people asking if you eat penguins. (cogh, LEWIS @GenXnerd)
  75. You’ve ever used your snowblower on your roof. (when the drifts were high enough to climb up and reach it)
  76. Your brake light is a piece of red cellophane and duct tape.
  77. Your mom drove you 350 miles just for Arby’s (we have done it people!)
  78. Your school has ever served fish head soup for lunch.
  79. You know ten ways to prepare Spam. (oh you know I know more!)
  80. You listen to one of Jeff Foxworthy’s You Might be a Redneck jokes and think “Hey, I’ve done that.”  (whistling and hiding the DVD back behind the Buffy collection)
  81. You wear black steel-toes boots with your suit and tie. (COUGH.. under my flannel skirts that layer over my fleece liner which rides over my long johns which are tucked into my Military issue winter combat boots)
  82. Mosquito repellent and patchouli blend rather nicely for that first date.
  83. All your clothes came from Big Rays, Columbia, Value Village or the Salvation Army.
  84. You know at least ten words/phrases of Russian, Japanese, and/or any Native Alaskan language (i.e. Yup’ik, Inupiaq, Tlingit, et. al).
  85. You don’t look north to find the north star; you look up.
  86. Your snowblower gets more use than your lawnmower.
  87. You think it’s normal for a town to have all its businesses on one side of the road.
  88. You’ve seen antifreeze freeze. (ooooooooooh ya.. especially when people put STRAIGHT antifreeze in.. asshats!)
  89. You’ve never taken your truck out of 4-wheel drive. (wait there is another gear?)
  90. You’ve needed to use your car’s sun visor at noon. (as in the sun is setting and blinding me on the way home from school/work)
  91. You’ve ever washed your car in below freezing weather. (umm I had to when a certain someone mixed the garbage pail punch, wine, whiskey are beer at the bonfire)
  92. You know if you tell your kids to “be home by dark” you won’t see them until Fall.
  93. You earn over $80,000 per year but still shop at Walmart. (Nope, never Walmart is EVIL and run by the Illuminati, I shop at Fred’s and so does everyone else I know!)
  94. The only stores in your town that are open on Sunday are the liquor stores. (and the gun & ammo shop and military surplus)
  95. You’ve had to explain more than one item on this list to somebody. (I know I will be.. ASK away people!)
 Most of the above and a bunch of other great things Alaskan can be found HERE

5 Comments

  1. Rofl hilair love it. Cathy x

  2. Tang and Vodka? You’re a woman after my own heart, I swear.

    My sister lives in Eagle River. Has for I think twenty years? Somewhere through there any way. She swears she’d never go back to living in the lower 48 and comes to visit in September when it’s starting to get chilly here and SWEATS. Hahaaaha! :D

    • Eagle River huh? Man that is actually WARM compared to here! They are right out of Anchorage! Yes Tang and Vodka.. some day I will have to tell the tale. It is so inappropriate I cannot even post it as a blog! THANKS!!

      • Y’all are made of some tough stuff! (So says the bask-in-the-sun sissy) Hats off to you sweetie. Or…wow. Keep your hat on! Brrr. :D You know I’ve GOT to hear the tang story now.

  3. You got to have combat boots if you want to live in Alaska. The perfect way to keep your toes warm.

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