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DOUBLE TAP – Episode 2

A Zweep Army Tale – Jolly Time Threats

After his day of dealing with the idiots in the motor pool LTG J Birch’s patience was nil. He had a stack of requisition forms needing to get to GEN McKinney’s assistant if the vehicles were going to be squared away in time for the winter training exercise. Every battery warmer and engine block heater was being taken out on his ass in triplicate. He and SGT Etheridge had finally gotten the OK to order everything, but because of the cost all paperwork protocols were being put to the test. He was really frustrated. He hadn’t signed up for of the red tape brigade; he wanted the grease under his fingernails, and the smell of diesel wafting in his nose. But lately all it seemed all he smelled was toner ink and the only thing under his nails were paper cuts!

Grabbing the files he needed, he grabbed his ACU top only to notice a huge grease stain in the front pocket. “What the hell?” he exclaimed, Reaching in he found a half melted stick of butter. No wonder he had been craving popcorn all day! A prank, normal, but why butter, usually it was something like a pocket packed with grease, shaving cream or something just as asinine. But butter? This was bizarre even for the ghouls in the motor pool.

Then it hit him, the teleconference with COS Denton with MG Isis, GEN Snow and BG Wood last week had ended with him being the focus of a gaggle of the nosey female officers that felt it was their new job in life to see that he ate healthier. He had been eating popcorn for dinner when they came to grab him for the conference room. He had been eating a quick dinner of popcorn during the call and this apparently was not nutritionally appropriate to these Nutrition Nazi’s. He tried to explain butter is a dairy product and with popcorn being a great source of fiber that he was set! Plus the lining on the microwave bag, though a cancer causing carcinogenic for humans was actually great for the preservation for undead flesh. That got him some real ugly stares and threats that they were going to come over and force vegetables down his throat! What ended up happening was a lot of free food over the last few weeks!

But apparently free food was as much of an oxymoron as military intelligence. It came with lectures, which involved him learning how to make more than toast using milk for more than his Lucky Charms. They sweetly offered to teach him a few basic recipes but instead of taking them up on their offer he just smiled and thanked them for the latest Gluteus Max meatball grinder and got back to work. Honestly he couldn’t be bothered, he had ate like this before being turned and was in relatively good health, why go through the trouble now? Apparently this was not acceptable and after the last tetchy caveat to hide his popcorn, MG Isis warned him that he was going to end up dead again if he did not start taking care of himself. Being to quick for his own good, he smugly responded:

“I’ll be found dead again with a mouth full of popcorn with “I regret nothing” written in butter on my shirt”; of course at the time his mouth was full of popcorn. Looking back now this was probably really impetuous as well as foolish.

Licking the butter from his hand he had a flash of a throng of sharpened carrot wielding women waiting behind the corner and promptly called SGT Etheridge in, delegating him to deliver the requisitions. He was going to settle back and enjoy a bag of popcorn with the door locked. After all he shouldn’t let the free butter go to waste!

—stayed tune for more DOUBLE TAP

5 Comments

  1. Loved it Kriss!! Thank you!!

    • Your welcome my dear! You guys are a big inspiration and support to me. This is nothing compared to your works, but it is something and really helps! PLUS it is fun!! MWAH!

  2. Wow. What a touching tribute to my lack of dietary concern. Strangely enough, I do keep a stick of butter in my front pocket, as you never know when one will be needed. I also stand behind popcorn for dinner, and reiterate the health benefits of Lucky Charms. I mean, come on–purple is a fruit, isn’t it?

  3. Funny sh!t, Kriss. I have a stranger craving for popcorn and dagger like carrots now. *nom nom nom carrots*

  4. haha! We are Generals that care for the well-being of our Z-troops…

    “I’ll have a Maximus Burguer, please!

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